MY PERSONAL STORY

Friends

Here is my personal story as I posted it in one of the Yahoo discussion forums that I belong to...

My journey to Islam has been a rather strange one. It seems to me that, broadly, there are 2 categories of experiences that lead people to Islam (maybe to any other religion): [1] external experiences, [2] internal experiences. I would not for a moment suggest that the distinction is water-tight and as simple as I make it sound, but for sake of simplicity this works for me. In the first category, for example, there are people who may have studied the Qur'an, or who may have been touched by the love of a Muslim, or who may have read Islamic literature, and so on. As a result, these people have investigated Islam and have chosen to choose the religion of Allah as their natural religion. Two of my colleagues here in the UAE converted to Islam this way and chose to make their shahadah as a result. My experience is a different thing from this. Yes, I have also read the Qur'an sporadically, and I have been blessed to have excellent Muslim friends in my life - but none of this persuaded me to investigate Islam. I was intellectually untouched by Islam, despite the fact that I was exposed to excellent examples of what I can only call "authentic Islam" (as opposed to the caricatured expression of the faith). I can honestly say that I never even remotely considered to become Muslim as a result of these influences in my life.

My journey within started about 2 years ago, shortly after a near-fatal car accident early one Sunday morning. I won't go into the detail of this life-changing experience, but suffice it to say that there is a decided before and after my life, in terms of this accident. Shortly afterward, I started having the most vivid, clear and living dreams that I could possibly imagine. In these dreams, in a variety of contexts, I would be in a mosque making sajdah (prostration) in salat (prayer). Frequently, I would wake up from these dreams with tears of joy, familiarity and peace streaming down my cheeks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I could not process these dreams and the undeniable sense of satisfcation and contentment that they left me with. My lifestyle was thoroughly Christian, and I was a happy one at that. I was a member of a local rather fundamentalist Baptist Church (long, long, long story!), and I enjoyed every moment I spent in the congregation. I loved the people, I had a personal experience of the mercy and love of God, and I was happy, truly happy. And yet, these dreams continued week after week. It seemed the intensity of the dreams grew stronger as time passed. Words fail me to express my experience of these dreams. I still have vivid memories of waking up during the night, or sometimes only in the mornings, and weeping as if I had lost something or someone dear to me. I was sometimes crying for joy, and sometimes with inexpressible sadness, mourning for something (Islam) I knew, and yet did not know. I recall, at times, saying to myself: I just wish I could accept Islam, but everything in me rejects it! So, this process continued for many weeks and months, until shortly before I left for the UAE, just over a month ago.

A Muslim colleague and friend at the college where I taught one day remarked in passing that I should check out a certain website that advertises jobs in the UAE. I had mentioned to her before that that I needed an adventure and a new challenge in my life which, somehow, seemed to have become staid and boring. From the day she mentioned this, to my arrival in the UAE was just under 2 weeks! This is the pace at which my uprooting in South Africa and my settling down in the UAE happened. Still, after my arrival, I still very much considered myself to be a happy, contented Christian. I planned to join the local Evangelical congregation here in Al Ain, but somehow never got to go there.

When classes started at our school, I suddenly became intensely aware, once more, of the dreams I described above. I felt so close to the energy and purpose that was invested in them and day by day I took a step closer to embracing Islam. A number of my students would not believe that I was not a Muslim. They refused to. (It is not uncommon amongst Muslims to "discern" the religion of another person!) Many of these boys were convinced that I was a Muslim. Well, I just shrugged it off, and told myself that God would work things out in His way, and in His time. I bought a few Islamic books and got stuck into reading them for many hours a day. I just couldn't stop. Every word seemed to sink into my thirsty soul. At about this time, we had a beautiful rain storm right here in the desert. It was awesome to see something so unexpected! I felt like the dry desert sand on which the peace, mercy and blessing of Allah was starting to rain - absorbing every drop of this pure life-giving essence, and feeling my inner person becoming alive again. (You may want to read of my "Rose of Jericho" dream on my blog - www.satsuka.blogspot.com).

None of this experience is quantifiable in the positivist sense of the word. What point is there to giving my experience a 1-10 rating, or to dissect it in the laboratories of rational and objective analysis? My experience itself defied even my best attempts to understand, and yet I was carried along by its potent force, ever closer to that blessed moment when I uttered the shahadah in faith and with much gratitude, just over a week ago.

Interestingly, the hadith has many references to the power of dreams. Here are some:

Hadith - Bukhari 9:168, Narrated Abu Salama

I used to see a dream which would make me sick till I heard Abu Qatada saying, "I too, used to see a dream which would make me sick till I heard the Prophet saying, "A good dream is from Allah, so if anyone of you saw a dream which he liked, he should not tell it to anybody except to the one whom he loves, and if he saw a dream which he disliked, then he should seek refuge with Allah from its evil and from the evil of Satan, and spit three times (on his left) and should not tell it to anybody, for it will not harm him."

Hadith - Sahih Bukhari 9:144, Narrated Abu Huraira

Allah's Apostle said, "When the Day of Resurrection approaches, the dreams of a believer will hardly fail to come true, and a dream of a believer is one of forty-six parts of prophetism, and whatever belongs to prothetism can never be false." Muhammad bin Sirin said, "But I say this." He said, "It used to be said, 'There are three types of dreams: The reflection of one's thoughts and experiences one has during wakefulness, what is suggested by Satan to frighten the dreamer, or glad tidings from Allah. So, if someone has a dream which he dislikes, he should not tell it to others, but get up and offer a prayer." He added, "He (Abu Huraira) hated to see a Ghul (i.e., iron collar around his neck in a dream) and people liked to see fetters (on their feet in a dream). The fetters on the feet symbolizes one's constant and firm adherence to religion." And Abu 'Abdullah said, "Ghuls (iron collars) are used only for necks."

I am not surprised, then, that my own dreams were fulfilled this way, since the Prophet (peace be upon him!) pointed out that every believer's dreams is one forty-sixth part of prophetism.

So, my own experience has been rather like yoking the oxen behind the wagon, in some sense. It has been a most mystical journey, most of which I still do not understand, cognitively. But when I make salat, either privately or in a masjid, there is absolutely no doubt in my heart (as opposed to my "mind") that this is who I truly am. In a profound sense, to me, I have become who I once was - a Muslim. May Allah guide me through the next few years as I learn to appreciate and understand this experience. Here are the words of the Holy Qur'an in conclusion:

O you that believe! Fear Allah, and believe in His Messenger, and He will bestow on you a double portion of His mercy: He will provide for you a Light by which you shall walk (straight in your path), and He will forgive you (your past): for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful [Al-Hadid - 57:28].